The Hand Holding Experiment
by TheWhoufflePrincess
Summary: The Doctor starts holding Clara's hand during their adventures, but she doesn't understand why. Explores the idea of blocked memories and flashbacks. [Horrid ending, I'm so sorry.]
1. Experiments

The first time they had held hands, it was when they walked around the marketplace of a planet Clara couldn't even pronounce. To her, it sounded like a string of beautiful syllables. He had tentatively took her hand in his and smiled shyly to her. It was certainly a change; though it was a change she was willing to welcome. It felt like a familiar gesture, but she brushed it off as her mind thinking of his past incarnation when he would hold her hand.

They held hands all throughout the entire adventure, except several few times when the Doctor needed both for miscellaneous reasons. She watched him carefully, as he seemed to hold her hand regardless, as if it was on instinct. She didn't complain or ask, worried he'd retreat back to his shell and keep his hands to himself. She'd just have to ask another time.

The second time he did, it had been in front of Kate, at UNIT. Something about Zygons and the Doctor had chosen to hold her hand throughout most of the adventure, except for some moments when they had gotten separated. Every time they had returned to each other, the Doctor held onto her hand even tighter, but not enough for the blood flow to stop, as though he's had many months of practice. He had finally let go when the saving was done, walking into the TARDIS. Clara was about to follow when Kate had called her.

"Clara?" Her hand was already on the handle, but she looked back. "He's really clingy this time around, isn't he? As though he's...ah, never mind. It's really nice to see you, Clara." Kate said and Clara merely shrugged.

"Likewise. We've evolved from running together to running together while holding hands, it's a lot of improvement. Still working on hugging, though." Clara smiled, "I'm not sure why, but I'm just glad he is." And with that, she left Kate to clean up the last bits of the mess from the Zygon problem.

The third time he chose to grasp her hand and hardly let go was on a planet of mixed alien and human relations, where they had saved the planet from political destruction; the Doctor demonstrating excellent political prowess.

Even as he argued against the officials of the planet, he held her hand and kept her close, as though everyone in the room was a threat to her. It was becoming slightly concerning now, as Clara was really not used to it. He was Mr. I'm-Not-A-Hugging-Person and Mr. Clara-I'm-Not-Your-Boyfriend. She loved it and all, but if something was wrong with him, she wanted to know.

She sat atop a stair and looked at him, elbow propped on her thigh, her head resting on her hand. She watched him walk around the console, flipping switches, punching in coordinates, all the sort. She clenched and unclenched her other hand, as she wasn't used to the lack of contact now. The lingering feel of warmth that came from her palm felt comforting, almost. She decided to ask him, as she wasn't sure when she'd get the next chance, or if he'd continue on.

"Doctor, what was that all about?"

"What? The political thing? I might actually have quite the knack for politics; perhaps I should retire and become a politician. What could I call myself?"

"You'd be a horrid politician." Clara deadpanned and was about to continue on with what she was going on about when he continued on.

"Clara, this is serious. I've already got the Oncoming Storm and many others under my belt, but what else?" He mused. Clara stared at him, an eyebrow raised.

"You could be like the Dark Lord of Downing Street, but instead, the Dark Lord of Time and Space." Clara giggled, letting the thought out before she even considered it, "Like Malcom Tucker."

"I've met the man before. He's quite the loudmouth." The Doctor smirked, looking to her. "He curses like a sailor and is essentially married to his job. What a nutcase." Clara let out a laugh, but she was reminded again of what her original question was. She couldn't just beat around the bush about it, it was playing with her feelings and she wanted answers.

"Doctor, I'm serious. What was that about?"

"You're going to have to be a little more specific than that." He leaned against the console, arms crossed as he faced her.

"The hand holding! The thing you've been doing for the past two days, including today." She felt like she was being analyzed, but she held her ground. After what felt like ages of silence besides the TARDIS' low hum, the Doctor sighed.

"I'm doing an experiment." He finally said, avoiding her gaze at all costs.

"Sorry?"

"A hand holding experiment." He added, but it wasn't really much of an explanation. He saw her confused look and continued, "I just was trying to see how you'd react to it." So there was no real reasoning as to why he even did it. An experiment. Just an experiment, nothing more, nothing less. She cursed herself in considering there would be anything more to it, as she was really just keeping her hopes up.

"I see." She managed to say without slipping any hint of her feelings out. The Doctor resumed to his maneuvering of the TARDIS, clearly oblivious, as usual. She sighed, looking down to the TARDIS silver floors. She shouldn't have expected much.

He chose to hold her hand again regardless of his revelation that it was just an experiment during one particular festival on this planet of Lyra. It was one of those moments where there was no running nor danger involved; soft musical tones were being created from the planet's inhabitants and in general it was just lovely, not to mention familiar. She reasoned that after all her exploring of the universe, she was bound to hear it at least once. The Doctor explained that they could make all the beautiful noises they'd like due to their years of conditioning, as music was greatly loved in the planet. They weren't running, nor were they in danger. He just held her hand as if it was a natural thing. It felt natural and felt normal. As though it had been done many times before. It was unnerving, but she ignored the twisted feeling.

A few more minutes went by and the song ended. Clara was about to raise her hands to clap for the lovely singers, but her hand was still intertwined with the Doctor's. She planned to let go, but the Doctor made a comment.

"Your heart isn't accelerating as much as it used to." He noted and Clara peered up to him, slightly confused.

"What do you mean?" She inquired. The other aliens were clapping around them, but she could still hear the Doctor loud and clear. He looked back to her, with an unreadable expression.

"When I used to hold your hand, I could feel your heart rate accelerate. This time, I don't feel it. Why not?" Clara didn't have a response to that. She had been trying to shut herself and her feelings down; to avoid any sort of problems and issues with the Doctor. "Your eyes are doing the thing again."

"The sad smile one?" The Doctor nodded, "Don't worry about it. I'm just malfunctioning."

"You do know I say that as a joke, right? I know you're not malfunctioning." He admitted. What was with him being so shy?

"Some cruddy joke then." She felt her body try to force a laugh out, but it only turned to a funny sound in her throat. "It's nothing, I swear."

"Clara..." He muttered her name and she attempted to jerk her hand away from his grasp, with surprising difficulty. He clamped on tight, as though she was the last thing in the universe he could have possession of.

"I don't want to talk about it." As well as the fact that she didn't want to make a scene. The singing was over and people were walking around the market, but that didn't mean nobody was listening.

"Now you're just being ridiculous. Did something happen on Earth? Did you get hurt? Did..." He paused, then spoke quietly, "Did I do something?"

"I don't know Doctor, did you do something?" She said it aggressively and the Doctor shrunk slightly at her response. She had expected a brasher response, rather than something so...shy coming from him. It surprised her and she raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe...? I'm not good at this."

"Doctor, are you alright? Have you contracted some sort of alien flu?"

"A flu?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow.

"You're never honest with me. Not like this. Isn't it the whole...you know, rule one, the Doctor lies? A lot?" He shifted from side to side, looking around the market before finally landing his eyes back to hers.

"Often by omission." He justified, before sighing heavily and looking down at their joined hands. "This really is an experiment and I had tested to see your reaction, yes, but I left out a lot."

"Do tell! Certainly because it's an experiment makes it alright to lead my feelings on!" The marketplace seemed to just disappear, only the two of them in each other's gaze. Clara felt the habit of fidgeting with her ring rise, but she quieted it down. Besides, how could she with the Doctor's iron grip on her hand?

"I wanted to see if you were alright with it, the whole holding hands thing."

"Doctor, you resist my hugs. Why wouldn't holding hands be alright?"

"This body isn't particularly keen with hugging. Holding hands is alright, I think." He explained and raised up their bonded hands. "Are you alright with this?"

"Yeah." She breathed, but the Doctor didn't seem convinced, so she tightened her grip on his hand to give him satisfaction, a familiar gesture that she didn't remember doing before. She felt a wave of deja vu hit her, as though they've had this exact conversation. "Have we had this conversation before?"

"Huh?"

"This. You and I. It always feel so familiar when we hold hands. What's going on?"

"No." He said it a little too quickly and Clara knew something was wrong. He looked away, breaking their intimate moment.

"Doctor." She prodded, "Tell me."

"I'm sorry Clara. I messed up something in the experiment." He muttered, letting her hand go reaching to her head, heading to her temples. Before she could protest, she fell into a deep unconsciousness and fell into the Doctor's arms. "Experiment twenty-seven failed...oh Clara." He lifted her up and ignored the looks of judgement that came from the alien inhabitants. He walked back to his ship, the TARDIS chiding his behavior, but he had no response. He'd have to try again.

Two of the inhabitants of the planet that had seen the companion and timelord several experiments ago looked at each other. One of them said, "Poor timelord."

"He always seems to hit a dead end."

"Why can't he be honest? When she forgets, nothing changes. She will realize it before he makes her forget at some point."

"He seems to be unable to tell her how he feels." The second one sighed.

"His experiments are going nowhere. He should just go for it. She does love him. Did you see the look in her eyes? It hasn't changed, no matter how many times he made her forget."

"Yes, I did. She does love him indeed."

"Poor timelord." The first one said.

"Poor timelord." The second agreed.


	2. Revelations

Experiment twenty-seven turns to experiment fifty. Experiment fifty goes up all the way to experiment one hundred and eleven.

Each time, something messes up. He accidentally lets a bit of information out. They have the 'talk' earlier than anticipated. Sometimes they never have the talk and the Doctor has to reset so Clara starts it. He keeps trying and trying, yet he just can't figure it out. How can he let Clara Oswald know how much he loves her? He's had loves and a plethora of people that have captured his hearts, yet for him, Clara was just impossible. He chuckled to himself as he wrote another equation on his trusty chalkboard. He supposed that was one of the reasons why she was the Impossible Girl; his Impossible Girl. The first face that this face ever saw. The girl that saved him so many times, yet she couldn't save his hearts from his feeling of longing and...dare he think it?

Love?

That four-letter word that haunted his dreams and became his living nightmare when travelling with people. The word that would kill him, if it wasn't a Dalek gun. If anything, he'd probably rather take on several Dalek fleets rather than say the terrifying three worded phrase. He jotted down another equation, his calculations all coming from his previous experiments. He crossed out planets he had already taken her, in fear she could remember. He had already gone through fifty-two planets, except for Earth, as she would never think twice about memories that would arise from Earth.

To the side, he calculated the different ways to hold her hand. For a good chunk of his experiment, they had held hands with his palm facing downward and grabbing onto her's tightly. It was the one he had chosen to do when they were running. When it was just walking and strolling around the planet, he chose to inter-lock their fingers together. Her soft skin was always a lovely contrast to his dry ones. Several times during the experiment she had told him to use lotion. He had been following that, ever since experiment sixty, the third time she had told him to in a row- or was it experiment fourty-seven? He erased a portion of that calculation and redid it, his eyes narrowing. He continued to recollect his thoughts.

There was a point where Clara had initiated the hand-holding, but that had only happened during experiment twenty-two, thirty-one, eighty-nine, and several more that would come to him as he wrote more and more of his thoughts with the white chalk. Most of those times, she had merely grabbed his fingers in fear but tentatively, as though she wasn't sure if it was alright. At one point she had gently, but firmly, cupped his hand into hers, during experiment ninety-three.

He tapped his finger onto his chin, rereading his calculations. He decided he should try another method of holding her hand. During experiment twenty-seven, he had held her hand, or technically, held her wrist, also interlocking the bottom half of their arms. That was when he had noticed the change of pace in her heartbeat. He decided he should come back to that, on experiment one hundred and twelve.

He heard the TARDIS beep disapprovingly and the Doctor groaned. "This again? I told you, I need to figure this out. I need this off my chest," Another disapproving beep, "What do you know about emotions? You're a machine!" The TARDIS blew hot air into the console room in anger and the Doctor sighed. "Sorry, old girl. I didn't mean that." The air returned to normal. "I don't know how to deal with this." The TARDIS let out another chiding beep. "I know, I know. If this experiment fails, I promise I'll just be direct with her."

He made the promise, sure, but he couldn't tell if it was for the TARDIS or his own sanity.

* * *

Clara knew something was _wrong_.

It started off as some irritating nuisance, but she felt a searing pain 'every' evening (at least what could be considered evening in the TARDIS) and she'd receive unsettling flashbacks. Her flashbacks were a range of different things. Sometimes she'd have a quick glance at a memory of a place she had never encountered with the Doctor, who always seemed to cradle her head in his hands, the pads of his fingertips on her temples specifically. She'd have the look on his face imprinted in her retinas, a face of determination with a hint of sadness, all the way until she fell asleep. Sometimes they were a subtle type of flashback, where she would be walking with the Doctor in a pleasant place. Others...not so much. She'd cry out as they occurred to her and spill the contents of her stomach in a rubbish bin that the TARDIS had placed near her bed that seemed to be bigger on the inside. She wished she could control the horrid images, but there wasn't a volume control she could use to turn the flashbacks down. They just happened, with no explanation. She considered going to the Doctor about it, but she had decided to think of them as her echos bleeding to her present.

It was an ugly battle between subconscious and her conscious self. The TARDIS seemed to be consoling her as best as she could, as though she knew what Clara was going through. Recently, she hasn't done anything against Clara; placing her bedroom in the right place, making her bed the most comfortable bed in the universe, the water in the shower was always warm, and all these small gestures that Clara was appreciative of. She was also grateful for the sleeping medications that knocked her out instantly or the strangely strong alien pain killers she would take.

One evening, it was unbearable. She threw up until she couldn't and her eyes burned. She didn't understand it, as it had just been after one adventure. The Doctor held her hand, which comforted her instantly, but felt like a familiar gesture, _a too familiar gesture_ , as if he had done it thousands of times. He knew how to hold her hand properly and made her feel protected, even if it was such a small move. In the middle of their adventure, she was separated with the Doctor and had a flashback of a similar corridor like the one she was currently running in. She felt like she was having a panic attack during that small moment of being separated, but the Doctor had come to her rescue and grabbed her hand, leading her away from the corridor. She managed to wipe her tears and follow the breathing instructions she had been taught to use on her students as they ran away from whatever the hell the creature was.

What made this adventure so unnerving? It wasn't anything new. Running for their lives, saving the planet? That was what they did all the time. The Doctor had told her to rest and Clara had been grateful for that. She wasn't sure if she could rest now.

When she had stopped throwing up, she wiped her lips with a tissue and took several ounces of water.

"TARDIS interactive interface, please." She requested, her voice hoarse. In seconds, the TARDIS interface came to, using a replica of her body to use.

"Hello, Clara Oswald."

"Right. Hi. Thanks for the rubbish bin and meds." She said, smiling weakly.

"You are welcome, Clara Oswald."

"What's wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you physically."

"Mentally?" Clara asked. The TARDIS interfaced paused. Clara waited patiently.

"Your repressed memories are coming back."

"Repressed? As in my echos?" Clara inquired.

"Negative. Repressed may not be the proper word for it." The TARDIS took a moment to consider a word in the English language before settling on, "Blocked. Blocked memories." Clara placed the rubbish bin down.

"But there's no other way I'd have blocked memories. I would understand my echos but..." Clara tried to piece things together, but she wasn't sure.

"What is the last day that you recall?" The TARDIS brought her back to the present.

"What do you mean?"

"What is the last known date in your head?" Clara raised an eyebrow at the question. It was simple, why was the TARDIS asking her that?

"November..." Clara's head ached as she tried to recall the date. Not as simple as she thought. Her eyebrows furrowed. "I don't know. Is it 2014? 2015? The adventure before this was...oh God, why can't I remember? Wasn't it...no, he regenerated awhile ago. I came to terms with that and we visited Vastra's that time. We did a lot of things, but why can't I remember them? It's..." She felt her head ache even harder and she groaned in pain.

"It's 2017."

"How? I thought it was..."

"I am in time with human time, to make it simpler for the companion to determine age and other factors. You have been here for exactly two years, one month, five days, six hours, forty-five minutes and twenty seconds." Clara's eyes widened.

"How?" She repeated her question. "I couldn't have been here for that long. There would be more adventures between the one before the one a few hours ago, but I don't remember anything."

"The Doctor."

"What has he been doing to time?" Clara asked.

"Not to time, Clara, but to _you_." The way the interface said it shook her, especially since her last name was not included in the TARDIS' address to her.

"What has he been doing to my head?"

"He has become selfish and obsessed. He does not know how to proceed with words. I am no help, I do not understand emotions. He is hurting you but he is not aware of it. You need to tell him about your memories before it does irreparable damage to your human brain. The medication I am giving you will not help with the memories. It is a Timelord technique. Medication will not help the memories come back without his assistance." Clara blinked.

"I think I need a moment. Thank you."

"You are very welcome. Confront him as soon as possible. He might destroy himself too."

"I promise. TARDIS interactive interface deactivate, please." The hologram went away and Clara went to her bed, falling into it. She felt weak, mentally and physically. What the TARDIS had informed her of...she wasn't sure what to do.

She wasn't even sure if she could keep that promise.


	3. Obsessions

I had though this would only be three parts, but I ended up giving a cliff hanger. I am so sorry! Enjoy, though! Hobbiton, by the way, is in New Zealand. Look it up if you don't know what it is!

* * *

The Doctor finally concluded that experiment one hundred and twelve would be the successful one.

He landed on the planet of Liefde, after enough hours for Clara to recuperate from whatever she may be doing. He did enough calculations to settle on a hand holding position and Liefde was a planet that was mainly known for their telepathy, something he was well versed in and could explain to her with gusto and amaze her, as he usually did. The Doctor was sure Clara would enjoy the telepathic waterfalls, which would settle on what her mind was thinking and create beautiful images. Being a seasoned time and space traveler, the Doctor was also sure it would be a beautiful display.

The TARDIS, at that moment, decided to come out and once again give him the talk, but using a hologram. The old girl had used one of his regrets, Donna Noble, on display. Not that he regretted any second with the wonderful temp from Chiswick, of course not, it was just the _idea of what he had done to her_. Which was probably _why_ the TARDIS was using her image.

"Why are you doing this?" The hologram demanded. He flinched slightly at the sound of her voice.

"Why are you in the image of Donna?" He fired back.

"You erased Donna Noble's memory. You did it to save her life. _What life are you saving here?_ " The image of Donna crossed her arms, glaring. It was hard to not look at her, the wonderful woman who had become the Doctor Donna. The woman who should have had many more adventures with him, but couldn't. She forgot him, but he never forgot her.

"I thought I had told you not to come unless I had asked." He muttered, continuing more calculations on his chalkboard. "And I thought we went over this! If this does not work, I will tell her directly!"

"Or if it was an emergency." The TARDIS added on and the Doctor scowled. The image of Donna sighed, "I know you, Doctor. You will probably do the opposite and continue to run, just like you always do." With the Doctor's silence, the TARDIS continued, "You shouldn't be wiping Clara's mind like that."

"Since when did you start addressing her by her first name? Actually, since when did you even start to care about Clara? Last I heard, you were still moving her bedroom and doing things to frustrate her." The Doctor frowned and the image put it's hands on it's hips. Something Clara would do.

"We have grown to become friends. She is no longer a mystery. She is now what keeps you grounded." The image simply stated, then changed to the bow-tie clad mad man of his last regeneration. "Will you listen to your past incarnation?"

"I'm not listening to _you_." He said, putting more pressure onto his chalk as he wrote down the name of the waterfalls.

"Really then?" An invisible eyebrow raised ever so slightly, "Why have you become so selfish with your feelings? You know Clara loves and cares for you. Her mind is so open to me. She is lost and confused." A short pause and the room felt heavy. The image was staring at him, then finally said, "When she finds out, she will leave. She has her own free will."

The Doctor stayed silent. "Do you think she will forgive you?" The TARDIS pressed on, before finally becoming the form of Clara. Her dark brown curls just barely touching her shoulders. Even if the hologram had no scent, he could imagine the different scents she would have from the product in her hair. The hologram looked so real, the Doctor felt as though he could touch it, but he held himself back.

"Could you be a different form? Anything but her?" He requested. The hologram smiled slightly in victory, then returned back to an emotionless look.

" _Was it for her own good?_ " Her voice sent a chill up his spine. The hologram blinked twice, but it's gaze never left him.

"Shut up." The Doctor finally said, the chalk in his hand snapping into two in the middle of him circling the words Telepathic Waterfalls on the chalkboard. His eyes pierced into the hologram of Clara, but the hologram was not a person; it stared, back, equally as hard, challenging him. He could imagine the fight they would have, it would probably be this.

"You know, you never really asked her. You erase her memory when she gets too close, or if you are too impatient. She has been here for two years; with your rate, she could be here for five. When will you finally stop?

"No, no, this one is going to be perfect, I assure you." The Doctor said, waving his hand dismissively. "I calculated every possible scenario and this _just cannot fail_."

"You call me a machine, yet you believe a specific set of variables will work when the uncertainty is always a factor." The Doctor clenched his fist around the chalk, allowing it to turn to bits and pieces, then to just mere dust. He tossed the dust to the side, walking down to the console.

"I'm always right," The Doctor said, "I know what I'm doing."

"No, Doctor, you do not. When will you ever listen to yourself?" The Doctor flipped some switches and forced the TARDIS interface to disappear. He could still hear the TARDIS' disappointed sounds, but he blocked them out.

He sighed and peered down at his hands, one was dusty white from the chalk. Why was it so easy for his previous incarnations to do this? It was just holding hands. He had loves and companions in the past who held hands with him. This shouldn't be a problem, but it was. Perhaps it was because his new set of regeneration made everything new to him, including the mere notion of holding hands. He clenched his fists tightly, enough for the knuckles to begin to turn white.

Experiment one hundred and twelve. Two years of calculations and much uncertainty, but he was sure he finally got it down. It would be _perfect._

But to be fair, he's been saying that ever since experiment one.

* * *

Clara stumbled into the console room an hour later, wearing a maroon dress that was a bit short. She wore tights, boots, and her hair was up in a ponytail, but her bangs were still in her face. She looked like perfection to the Doctor's eyes, but he didn't have time to admire. He jumped from his platform and went about explaining everything of the planet, but noted that Clara was only half-listening. Her mind was clearly thinking of something else, but he continued on, pretending to be absolutely oblivious. He couldn't risk failing experiment one hundred and twelve. He took her hand in his and he swore she flinched, but ignored it. He opened the TARDIS doors and allowed her to take in the scenery.

It was kind of like Hobbiton, in New Zealand. The entire planet was covered head to toe with greenery and there were some people out and about. Most of them were the size of a small Oompa Loompa, the tallest one in the vicinity was to Clara's waist. They had pale blue skin, with antennas coming from their heads. Besides that, they looked fairly human.

The Doctor stepped out onto the grassy plains, but Clara stayed in.

"Clara?" The Doctor turned, suddenly looking nervous. Clara did her best to look the very definition of composed just as the Doctor did his best to hide his nerves. They were faking each other.

"Ah, I forgot something. I'll be right back." She closed the door on him, despite his look of shock, then called, "TARDIS interface, please." Just like before, the TARDIS interface came alive, this time, using the body of the Doctor as a way of communication. The TARDIS hologram stood in all his glory in front of the console, his perfect likeness captured by the TARDIS.

"Yes, Clara Oswald?"

"You told me he's messing with me. What is he doing?" Clara demanded and the hologram pointed towards the chalkboard, up on the second platform. Clara walked up the steps, coming to a stop at his chalkboard. She didn't think twice about the equations on the board, as usually, they were things Clara knew she wouldn't understand. This time, they were pure English rather than confusing words and symbols. "Wasn't this gibberish earlier?"

"I translated it for you, or rather, let your mind see what he sees when he writes like this." Clara's finger traced the words in his ever elegant scrawl. On the top of the chalkboard, it read _'Experiment 112.'_ He drew the planet to the side, with surprising detail for a piece of chalk, then listed characteristics, which were things he knew Clara liked. She had grown a liking for nature, something she didn't think he'd remember. Then hand holding plans, which was odd. Drawings of ways to hold hands were littered all around the chalkboard. If Clara didn't know any better, she'd say it was his obsession. There was no need for him to over analyze, however. She liked hand holding, but she didn't understand why all of this was all over his chalkboard. He didn't even like hugs. Her head ached once more at the words and drawings, for some odd reason. She clutched her head, frowning.

She could hear the curt knock on the doors and the Doctor's muffled words, "Why aren't you letting me in, old girl?"

"Look at the bottom edge. Confront him there." The hologram said, appearing right next to her and pointed to the specific area. Clara looked over and found words that were circled multiple times. _'Take her to the Telepathic Waterfalls.'_

"Telepathic Waterfalls." Clara read, "Right. Thanks, TARDIS."

"Of course, Clara Oswald. It is our duty to protect and help the Doctor." The hologram disappeared at those words, rather than waiting for her instruction. Our duty? She must be in good graces with the TARDIS now. It was odd to hear the old girl be so familiar with her, but she shouldn't be complaining.

"Makes sense." Clara muttered, seeing her black purse on a jump seat, already prepared for her. She picked it up and with a nod, went back to the doors and opened them. She was met with a nervous and uncomfortable Doctor. His breathing was labored and he looked to her with anticipation. Clara noted how antsy he seemed to be, clutching onto the sides of the TARDIS. If the TARDIS wasn't a sentient box and could maintain shields, she wouldn't be surprised if the wood started to break under the pressure he was putting it. He was terrified.

"You took awhile." He noted.

"Sorry, the TARDIS hid my room again." She shot the TARDIS a fake irritated glance as she stepped out. The Doctor nodded warily, but didn't question it at all. He took her hand into his and took her around the plains of Liefde.

* * *

The Doctor didn't let her out of his sight all through the evening, since they still had to save the day. To the Doctor's irritation, they had to stop a civil war from occurring between the East and the West factions before he could even get close to Telepathic Waterfalls. It was a petty thing, involving the Prince of the East and his unhealthy obsession for the Princess of the West. The Princess loved him, regardless, but she was concerned about the Prince's unhealthy infatuation and brought it up during one banquet. The Prince took it personally -too personally to be called normal- and declared war. He was considered the King as the current reigning King was declining in health and his subjects didn't even ask. The Princess, terrified, had closed all borders between the East and West and interrupted all communication. She did not want to fight, as she did not want to hurt her love more.

The Doctor and Clara had then swooped in, stopped the fighting, and reminded the Prince of his love for the Princess and how there was a complete difference between love and obsession, which was mainly Clara's duty to do. The Prince had finally calmed down and was reunited with his love, the borders were opened, and the conflict was over. The Doctor had about had it with the interruptions and was ready to lead Clara straight to the Telepathic Waterfalls in order to save this outing, when the Prince came over to them. The creatures mainly spoke telepathically, but whenever Clara was near, they always used their mouths. The Doctor noted this, but decided it was just because she was human.

"Would it be possible to speak to your companion, Doctor?" The Prince asked. The Doctor looked down at the little creature, before complying. He muttered something along the lines of waiting outside as he let go of her hand hesitantly and left the room. Clara crouched down to the Prince and smiled shyly.

"Can I help you?" Clara asked. The Princess came to stand besides the Prince, taking ahold of his hand. The very image of them doing so felt like something was poking her head with a sharp stick. She winced slightly, but kept composure.

"I do not want you to take this the wrong way, Clara, but your mind is damaged and we would like to repay your help by helping you."

"I've been hearing that multiple times...from a telepathic ship and now your kind. What do you mean?"

"Ah, then your ship, which I assume is a TARDIS, can feel your torment. You may be suppressing it using your outward appearance, but you do not fool us. Your mind may be strong, from conditioning that nobody in our time would understand, but it is still loud for all of us to hear and we can feel that it is in pain. That is why you see us speaking and not using our telepathic powers in front of you. Even if did not prevent our civil war from escalating, we would not have wanted to give you such pain. No creature should ever have to feel it. Have you been receiving dreams, or perhaps flashbacks?" The little man inquired. Clara bit her lip, before finally nodding. The Princess and Prince looked to each other, then to her. "We may be able to help, to release the dam that he has built in front of the memories that are threatening to come out, but with your consent."

"What will it do, if you don't mind me asking?"

"it is very similar to a Timelord and his way of...poking through one's mind. We will tread carefully through and open the proper door," The Princess piped up, "We will not rush your mind with these memories, as they seem to be long and arduous from the pulsating we can feel from it. We will trickle these memories in and it will only take a moment. I would suggest you sit, however." Clara sat on a chair that was pushed to her. The Prince and Princess took this as a signal of consent and motioned for stools. They stood upon the mahogany stools and both took one three fingered hand and placed them on either side of Clara's temples. Her eyes grew heavy and in seconds, she fell onto the back of the armchair. The Prince and Princess followed in suit, falling into similar chairs given by the servants.

* * *

The Doctor was starting to get impatient.

It was just a talk, what the hell could they possibly be discussing? They had gotten the people of Liefde out of their predicament, the least they could do was just let them go into the Telepathic Waterfalls. He was getting quite antsy- the falls were quite spectacular during this time of day, so perhaps it was a good thing they did stop the conflict. He did land a tad bit early so Clara could take in the sights before the main attraction, but saving the day always took it away. He grimaced as he paced.

The little guard that stood in front of the door looked up to him and asked telepathically, "The falls are indeed lovely today."

Right, his walls were up, but his basic thoughts were still bleeding through. He stopped pacing and responded back, "So I have heard."

"Doctor, correct?" The little guard asked and the Doctor nodded, although he did not desire small talk. The guard was making an effort, but perhaps the pacing the Doctor was doing was starting to unnerve him.

"Quite so, yes. And you?"

"V, sir. Though, I am merely called Guard Seventy-Two."

"How many of you are there?" It was idle chat, he knew that.

"In the Princess' cabinet, there are about ten, same with the Prince's. The King and Queen of both respecting factions have twelve. The rest of us are just guards for different areas, like the throne room." He nodded and was about to think about how amazing their royalties have not changed for so long, as he did his research on them. He then realized his thoughts, or at least, his wavering thoughts, were not private and stopped himself.

It took him five minutes too late for it to dawn on him.

"V, why don't you speak telepathically when Clara is here with me?" The color on V's face drained and he shifted from foot to foot, holding onto his weapon just a little tighter. The Doctor knew the answer to the question, but he hoped he was wrong.

"She is merely human. We chose to speak with our mouths to make her feel comfortable. It is slightly jarring when you are spoken to through your head." The uncertainty in V's voice was enough for the Doctor to know his hypothesis was correct and he shifted to open the door. V blocked him from continuing. "Please, Doctor, I am just doing my job."

"What are they talking about in there?"

"I don't know sir, I just have to keep you in here. Please don't go in there." The Doctor ignored the cries of the guard and forced the doors open. The entire cabinet of government, that had been in witness to whatever was going on, turned to their direction. Clara and the royals had their back turned to him, but he didn't need to guess what their facial expressions were.

V walked meekly besides the Doctor, his head lowered in shame and sending out quick messages that he was sorry about his failure in keeping the Doctor out. Clara was straightening herself up slowly and the Prince and Princess did as well. The Princess and Prince glanced to one another, then turned and looked to the Doctor. Their expressions were unreadable.

For the first time in awhile, the Doctor felt exposed. He felt like he was being judged for his actions. Not that he didn't deserve it.

"Two years?" The Prince asked.

"For a silly experiment?" The Princess added.

"I was obsessed." The Prince muttered.

"But not like this." The Princess continued.

"Because you couldn't express your feelings?" The two said in unison. They sounded like the TARDIS and the Doctor grimaced, hands turning to fists to keep himself under control. He should have known, he should have caught the reasoning to why they didn't speak with their telepathic abilities. Her mind, to them, must have sounded like agony from all the forced blockage. He shouldn't have taken her here. He had thought the Telepathic Waterfalls would have helped him ease into explaining how much he felt about her. Experiment one hundred and twelve, a failure.

Unfortunately, this time, he didn't have the liberty of getting her to forget.

Clara chose to stand up at that time, her footing a little wobbly, but nonetheless, possible. She kept her face hidden from him using her hair. It wasn't until she was close enough that he truly saw his damage. Tears were streaming down her face, her makeup smeared all over. Her eyes looked confused, scared, and more importantly, downright furious. They had inflated ten fold and she was trembling, her lip also slightly quivering. He didn't even get a word in before her small palm met his pale skin with a loud slapping noise, echoing all around the room. The entire cabinet winced. It left a sting, but he deserved it.

Her voice had reduced to a small whisper, unlike the one that was filled with charisma and cheer that he was used to, with one word coming from her lips.

 _"Why?"_


	4. Truths

I re-did the ending with the help of a ao3 user. It's a little better than the last one, I think.

this ending has been the end of me for the past month, my god. enjoy...I guess.

beginning is similar to the last but last bits are different,,

* * *

He stared down at her, mouth agape slightly. He had planned to say something, anything for that matter, but the Doctor just couldn't speak. Clara's eyes held so much judgement and the truth had dawned on him, breaking the gates of denial wide open. Since he did not say a word, Clara continued.

"You took two years of my life away from me! You don't get to choose what I remember and what I don't remember, that's not how it works, you know that!" Her voice echoed all through The cabinet of the small Liefde creatures whispered among one another. They did not see what the Prince and Princess saw, but they had a general idea. The pain that had pulsated from the human female had decreased, but she was stressing herself out with her feelings. The Prince and Princess took a step forward, but waited for the young woman to simmer down to tell her to relax before she fainted to the stress she was giving herself. "I missed birthdays, anniversaries, and so much more!"

"I have a time machine," The Doctor weakly attempted, but it was to no avail. He was weak under her gaze, the feeling of being bare was a first for this body and he was not taking it well.

"That't not the point! You took two years of memories I could have spent doing anything else. I should have known something was wrong the minute I started throwing up my dinner and having flashbacks, constantly having the feeling that something was wrong, like - like there was something important I missed - like there was something I just wasn't seeing. I thought it was my echos acting up again. I should have known it was all your fault." The accusation was harsh but true. The Doctor's eyes widened ever so slightly, his mind mulling over the possible pain she would have probably suffered. He didn't consider the aftermath, he was too wrapped up in his emotions.

"I thought..." He tried again, but it was useless. He didn't have any right.

"You thought what? You thought you could just keep trying for one hundred and twelve times and when you didn't get it right, you thought the solution was to get me to forget?" He did not respond to the question. Clara was boiling, "There was no point in making me forget. We could have-," She was crying, profusely now. She choked back a sob, "we could have just talked, yet you and your stupid Timelord ego just wouldn't let it, now would you?"

"I thought it would be easier." He said, his eyes pleading for mercy, but he knew he didn't deserve it.

"That's rich." She grumbled.

"It might have been easier for you and myself; I thought if I had gotten it perfect-" Those words apparently weren't the ones Clara was looking for, as they warranted another slap from her.

"Perfect!? Doctor, you travel with humans! Nothing is ever perfect with us! No matter how much we wish. What, do you think that we don't also have to go through the same embarrassment you were avoiding? We are the very definition of embarrassment! Christ, to think several of those memories I had actually desired to..." She stopped her train of thought. Clara looked as though she was very tired now. The Doctor took a tentative step forward, in case she was to faint, but Clara took a step back. "No. No, you aren't touching me. Stay away from me." The Doctor's throat tightened. Never before had he heard a companion speak such words. Usually, they actually wanted to be close to him- that thought wasn't helping. His calculations did not consider this.

The TARDIS was right, there were so many unpredictable scenarios that could happen. Just like this one. For such an advanced mind, he was incredibly stupid. That's why he never let his emotions run rampant. He could see now that this regeneration was all the same. What was he even hoping to achieve? Something more with her? Christ, he was mad, he shouldn't have done this.

"I don't know how to show you." He admitted weakly, "I didn't know if you'd accept me."

"What?" Her tone was softer now, though it still held the fire of earlier.

"I wasn't taught...how to show love. We're made from the loom, you know. Your echo as a timelady was made from it too." He explained. Clara vaguely recalled the feeling, after forcing her mind to. "We could have sex and have feelings for the other ones in our race, but it was frowned upon. It wasn't until I met humans that I truly did fall in love. Many times. I, the twelfth Doctor, this regeneration, has fallen in love with you. I can't deny it. I really can't. This feeling is too overwhelming to the point where I can't...I can't think without the thought of what you might say to my suggestions. I can't dream without the sound of your voice coming through. I can't...you're everywhere."

"Doctor..."

"I know, I know. I should, after being alive for more than two thousand years, I should know that this isn't the way to go. Causing you to forget, continuously going on adventures to places in hopes everything to be perfect." He took her hands into his. Clara was too stunned by his response to even pull away. "But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of what you'll say, what you'll do, and more importantly, I'm afraid I'll make it worse. I think I already have. I took two years of your life, of days that belong to you. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry." The tears in his eyes were enough for Clara to crumble completely under his look.

"I'm tired of running away from possible mistakes." He said, "If you'll have me, which...I wouldn't blame you if you don't, but, I want you to see what I see... I adore you. I need you. I need you more than anything."

"Even more than the TARDIS?" With hesitance, he nodded. "Even...Gallifrey?"

"You're worth everything, Clara. Without you, I wouldn't exist. This regeneration wouldn't even exist. I'm pretty sure I need you. You brought the old girl and me together. Gallifrey probably wouldn't even be out there if you didn't come along either."

She clenched her jaw, then sighed. She looked back to the Prince and Princess, who merely shrugged. They knew how much she really did love him, despite the infraction. Love does go beyond, if it is a match that works so well.

"Why are you so hard to say no to?" She asked him. He opened his mouth to respond, but she beat him to it. "You don't have to answer that. Look, Doctor, this is all a bit much to take in." He waited patiently for her to wrap her mind around it. "But...I think I need a break."

"A break?" He inquired. His voice remained strong, but in his eyes, he was absolutely terrified.

"Yes, a break. I want to be with you and I want everything to work out, but Christ...I need to go back to my old life, for a bit."

"That's fine, yes-,"

"And you have to go the long way around." He nearly choked on his own saliva.

"The long way around?"

"The long way around. You have to wait six months, just like me." She affirmed, "I think that's what's best, for now, at least. We both need to figure things out." He nodded solemnly. She turned to the Prince and Princess. "Thank you, really." They nodded and the Doctor walked out, Clara following. The Prince and Princess looked at each other.

"I thought there would be a bit more of an explosion from her." The Prince murmured.

"She loves him. Makes sense." The Princess said, "They'll make up. Even if what he did was quite unforgivable."

* * *

As promised, he dropped her off exactly at the time she was last seen. Although her birthday states she was only twenty-seven, she was, in actuality, twenty-nine in body. The classic smell of her little flat made her realize just how much time she spent travelling. Two whole years, with her memories forced into her head again. She knew that six months, to the Doctor, would probably be nothing. He would most likely pop off and jump up forward in time. She sighed, looking down at her hand. All because of a stupid hand holding experiment. If he wanted her, why didn't he just tell her instead of making it such a big deal? Why wasn't the Doctor just...able to say what he wanted to say? Less pain that way.

* * *

Six months in and Clara was already dreading the day. She drowned herself in all her teacher duties and all the students could see Miss Oswald and her miserable outlook, but nobody knew why. They let her go on about her business, since she was still teaching students and they were all receiving high marks.

A part of her had hoped she would have figured something out.

She hadn't.

She also hoped he had overshot, perhaps letting her have a bit longer to just have something planned.

He didn't.

So, six months later, she heard the sound of the TARDIS as she graded papers quietly in her bedroom. Clara glanced at the clock. Exactly on time. So, he didn't overshoot, he was counting the seconds. She didn't bother looking up, hearing the soft creak of the TARDIS door and his tentative footsteps, unsure whether or not he was allowed in.

"How long did you wait?" She asks first and he could hear him sigh. "How long, Doctor?"

"Five months, twenty-two days, six hours, five minutes, and forty-two seconds, if you must know."

"To be honest, it's farther than I thought you would have gotten. Thought you'd give up in a day." He walked forward a bit and Clara put her pen down, turning to him. He didn't change a single bit, besides his hair being a slight bit unruly. A small smile graced his features before it went back to a frown. "Go anywhere interesting?"

"I didn't want to see anything without you." His soft response brings surprise to her. "I just thought, long and hard."

"About?"

"You."

"Oh."

"How about you?"

"I went on a few dates, to my dismay."

"Oh?"

"All of them were unsuccessful."

"Ah." She saw the faintest glint of relief. They were in an awkward silence again, in which neither of them knew what to say. They both knew they shouldn't be beating around the bush and just be blatantly honest, but nobody wanted to admit it. The Doctor fidgeted with his hands, while Clara bit her lip.

"Will you stay with me?" He finally asked, "I can't stand it anymore. I need to know, Clara."

"Yes, but..."

"But?" He prodded.

"There need to be some rules. Rules that protect what we have and our relationship towards each other."

"Alright," he nodded slowly, listening intently.

"One, you can't do that anymore. No more 'making me forget because you did something wrong,' because my memories and my thoughts are detrimental to me." He nodded to that. "Two, if something is wrong, we need to address it. No more hiding behind smoke and mirrors." Another nod. "Three, if you're going to love me as I love you, you need to savor every moment-," she could practically see the confusion forming, "I know you're going to hate it when I'm gone, but that's the risk if we become something. You need to cherish what we have so when I am gone, you are satisfied." A curt nod. "And four, can we be honest with each other? More honest, I mean. No more lies."

"Clara, you know-,"

"Yeah. Rule one. Doctor lies, especially for the protection of his companions or himself. But, if you want this to work, we need to step over the boundaries we made in order to stop us from falling in love, which includes the lies and the deceit." He sighed, before nodding in defeat. She frowned and the Doctor noticed immediately.

"What? Why are you frowning?"

"Nothing, I just-"

"You were the one who established the 'no lies' thing, Clara." Damn, he got her there.

"It's just...you're seriously willing to do this? I just...I don't see you...staying. Especially like this."

"Like what? Be a little more honest, learn more about how to work emotions, and stop hiding, just to get you back? I'd do anything you'd ask Clara." The way he spoke sincerely made her heart swell.

"Okay, alright." She said, "I'll give you a chance." His eyes lit up and his face returned to that cheeky grin she missed so much. How did she last six months without him? He extended his arm, hand out for her to grab. She cautiously grabbed onto it, as just the feel of his fingers brought memories back to her. She shook them off. She had forgiven him for that.

He pulled her into a hug, which was enough to confuse her even more. Perhaps those months gave him a change in terms of if he was a hugging person or not.

"Clara Oswald, I promise you, I will do you justice."


End file.
